b'jeez, eh, time t'cook

A certain Canadian friend of mine was disturbed that IHungry didn't represent the superior recipe options from his homeland. So, I decided to do less of whatever the hell I am doing and take on a more international vibe for all of you ambitious sorts who require ethnic variety, jeezis...my friend is currently out on a glacier somewhere, hunting arctic moose to feed his village so I'll have to invent a good Canadian supper..sometin' aboot bacon'r ham eh? 

'Mazin Sundee Supper for you and yer Compnee

HOG 'n bacon CASSEROLE

First, you'll need to put on some flannel-lined waxed plaid hunting pants (or your old Ottowa hockey jersey), turn the temp WAY down so you can see your breath, if you're 21 make a strong toddie (homemade moonshine poured in a coffee mug with a sprinkling of hot water and lemon),   and throw some maple leaves around on the kitchen floor in order to get in the mood.

Stuff you'll need:

¼ Cup salted pork(I don't know what the hell this is either - must be a Canadian staple you'd find in an old attic hung  on wire hangers near the open window where snow can blow in and keep it from rotting - just use a few pieces of bacon - chopped up is fine - b'jeez)

1 Onion, cut into small cubes 

2 Green onions (we call them scallions -skip this if it's freaking you out) cut into small pieces 

4 potatoes peeled and thinly sliced 

2 Cups diced cooked ham 

2 Tbsp flour 

2½ cups milk 

¼ tsp thyme 

Pinch nutmeg 

Salt and pepper 

Here's what y'doo:

Preheat oven to 325 degrees.   Cook rotting, snow-encrusted mystery meat - er bacon in this case - in saucepan for 2 minutes. Add onions cook 3 minutes. (Canadians look to the stars to determine time, so don't blame me if my stars were off)

In casserole dish (spray lightly with vegetable spray - or rub a little hog grease),  place one potato layer and sprinkle with cooked onions and bacon. Add ham. Repeat layers. Season well with salt and pepper. Sprinkle with spices. 

Mix flour and milk with a whisk.  Pour mixture over ham; cover and cook in oven for 40 minutes. Then remove cover and continue to cook for 10 minutes. Serve to yer compnee.  If it don't work out, cook the smith'reens oot of d'stuff and use it as a hockey puck, by jeez. 

SOBA FAST

Supa Fast Noodles

this recipe is so fast I'm almost done with it now! 

It's an Asian noodly yum I invented when I was feeling like something a little saucy/salty. This recipe will leave you waving your chopsticks in the air, begging for more!

Ingredients:  SOBA noodles - a buckwheat pasta  sold in the Asian aisle

                     sesame oil

                     tamari (or soy sauce)

                     frozen spinach

                     can of oily tuna (do not use the narsty white "tuna packed in water" or you will keel over  

                         choking on a gob of dry, imitation tuna product that tastes like a 70's rubber Barbie doll foot-

                         and please 

                                don't ask how I know what that tastes like...memory is too painful)  squeeze out a

                                little of the oil

                                    from the can

o  boil a pot of water.

o  when the water is in a rolling boil, throw the noodles in, wait for it to boil again, then turn down the temp a little bit.  If you don't, the starch from the noodles will cause your pot of water to erupt like Mt. St. Helens - not so fab unless you're aiming to impress your friends with a fun volcano demonstration before dinner - which won't exist unless you're into frozen spinach for dinner cause that's all that'll be left, bucko. 

o  in 2 minutes or so throw in a big hunk or a couple cups of frozen spinach..your water will sit there for a minute, confused, sad, and pissy because of the spinach ruining the fun, so turn up the heat a tad to get things moving again, then turn it down again a bit otherwise you'll have a GREEN volcano science project to clean up. 

o  after about 2 minutes, test a noodle - if it's soft, you're done.

o  drain mixture, throw in a big bowl, and add about TBSP of sesame oil, a good splash of tamari, and your can of delicious, oily tuna. Stir around with your chopsticks and bon appetit! or rather douzo meshiagare!! 

drop dead moose drops

YOU ASKED FOR IT...I'm headed to Mexico now MOOSE DROPS

someone (who is in the middle of quadruple bipass surgery as we speak) sent this in..looks like it'll do the job in the 'ole clogging up the heart department...but at least you'll have a smile on your face.  Good luck and make sure you write a note to your mother that you were of sound mind when you decided to make these...it wasn't me!! 

Delicious Milky-way Moose Drops

Ingredients

• 1 Cup Sugar
• 1 Cup Karo Syrup
• 1 1/3 Cup Nutella
• Pinch of Salt
• 4 1/4 Cups Rice Krispies
• 11/2 Cups Milky Way Candy bars, chopped

Instructions

1. In a medium sized sauce pan, over medium heat, add the sugar and Karo Syrup. Cook the sugar and syrup, stirring occasionally until all of the sugar is dissolved and the liquid is clear. Stir in the Nutella and salt. Turn the stove down to medium low and stir for one minute or until well incorporated. Set aside to cool for about 2 minutes.
2. In a large bowl pour the cereal in and then pour the Nutella mixture on top. Gently fold the mixture together until all of the cereal is well incorporated. Add the candy bars and stir again. Using two spoons or an ice cream scoop, scoop the Milky Way Krispies onto a parchment lined baking sheet to cool. Store in an airtight container or Ziploc bag for up to 3 days.

What Watermelon??

Sweet Jeezus, there's watermelon on the menu! We're talking a TOWER OF POWER watermelon - my kids and I were in Glawstah for a bit this summah and we were overwhelmed with luscious happiness and joy by a fabulous watermelon appetizer (that I'll try and recreate here)  It looks pretty simple and tastes amazing. My daughter who "doesn't do cheese" opted for the sans cheese version - either/or is amazing.
At the restaurant 2 and possibly 3 watermelons were used for one appetizer and we never actually ate our main course - we had to walk around for hours with all the other stuffed quahogs (that's cohawgs) stumbling around outside, belching in a very aggressive manner....

WATERMELON SALAD 

this is the sans cheese version/not layered

Ingredients: 

o  a couple of big juicy hunks of manly looking watermelon - this is a stand at attention; salute-to-the-chef kind of dish, folks - take it seriously. No seeds unless you're looking for disappointment

o  some feta cheese crumbles or slices

o  balsamic vinegar

o  some sort of salty nut - we like cashews - you could also toast some salted nuts - chopped up

Cut the watermelon so it resembles either this above, or cut into big, uniform slabs, stacked in a pretty way

You can either layer some feta (about 75% watermelon...) or crumble it around the bottom of your stack

drizzle some balsamic on top and around the mounds - not too much; it's complimenting the melon not gushing around in puddles

sprinkle the nuts all over and by golly you have a massive amount of watermelon on your plate-eat up! 

FISHK

For those of you young darlingsk who have never seen the musical, Popeye, with Robin Williams, you're just going to have to deal.  For those of you COOL people who appreeshkiate that film I will honor your happy memories and use Popeye-speak...it was meant to be. Here's some good fishk fastk.

SHLIMPS when you really want em now

Ingrediments:  Shlimps - frozen, already cooked (you can totally use freshk or uncooked ones but this   

                        recipe is quick-like easy - I llllllike the medium to large kind

                        Garlicccc - a ton - smashed and ready to go

                        Olive oil (I know not THE Olive Oil - the other one)

ohhhh Popeyyyyye

                        small tomatees - not the tiny grape ones but the larger ones

                        optionimal:  baby spinachk, leftover spinachk, frozen spinachk, save the canned 

                        spinachk for Popeye   

         

pppppprocess:  Heat up some o.o. in a big pan - the bigger the bettah...not too hot (never burn the garlic, if you do, better throw the whole damned thing overboard or you'll be scrunching up one side of your face and mumbling about some nasty taste in your chomps. Plus Sweet Pea would never go near you again).

After a minute or so, throw in a pile of tomatees. Throw in some salt and peppeh and yell, 'I yam what I yam!!' as you do it.  In a couple of minutesk, before the tomatees get too soft, turn up the heat and throw in your shlimps. Cccccccover.  (If you're using frozen spinachk, best to nuke, then drain it now-add at the very end.)

If you're using fresh spinachk, wait a bit before you throw that in or it'll become limpk and nasty. The second the shlimps seem to be heated thru-don't overcook - remember they are already cooked; you're just basically reheating, throw in that spinachk and uncover. Stir around a bit with the end of your pipe, add more seasoning or some red pepper flakes until it looks delishk.   Serve with quinoa or rice or over pasta or if you're like Popeye, eat it right at the stove from the pan, even if steam comes shooting out of your ears...(you can add a bit of pppesto to it if you're getting real fancy shmancy)  Enjjjjjjoy. 

ON VACATION..sort of

My poor, starving chickens...I know it's a hard egg to crack..it's a tough steak to cut...it's a slimy piece of baloney...it's a hard black crust on a loaf of 3-week old baguette.  Life without a new fabulous recipe here is not my idea of stuffed French toast with real maple syrup.... BUT, people, there is a reason for this.  And it begins with K and ends with n.n..n..nasty business. 

this used to be my kitchen 

                                         After the unfortunate divorce, and the fact I had to live somewhere else, my
                                                    current  "kitchen" SUCKS the big sour salami.   pa-tooey.  

this is my work space (not pictured: bowls, spices, 3 dogs, 4" of raw sewage and live chickens on the floor)

HERE ARE MY EXCUSES FOR NOT FEEDING YOU LATELY:
1)  a 5" counter "space" where there really isn't any room for a stick of butta never-mind a large goblet of whisky...well there is some room for that;  2)  a large appliance which pretends to be an electric stove-- it is so pissy and stubborn. It refuses to clean itself up and there is definitely some questionable DNA on the edges.  This repugnant gizmo often decides not to heat up for 36 minutes (minute-35, it stops pouting and starts buzzing and smoking);  3)  a good pan which I have never used since I have one (count ONE) dark, mouse-inhabited cabinet that houses an angry gang of peeling, rusty cooking vessels who bully this poor pan so it's always hiding wayyyy in the darkest, creepiest part of the cabinet - I ain't goin there; 4) a fridge which is usually filled with such old expiration dates, we're still waiting for the fridge fairy to take it all away. Oh, and there're several containers of old Thai? Indian? food and packets of leaking, colorful sauces. It's too hard to figure out what's edible, so we usually eat cold spaghetti that's on the stove still waiting to be heated up.  

You can understand why this dipped and battered has-been chef is taking a breather - but folks, I'm going to continue to power through, despite the aforementioned drawbacks  - remember there are no mistakes in cooking; it's either tasty or not.  If it's not tasty use the muck to fill in those aggravating holes in the driveway and try again!! CIAO until then!